I want to ask all of you to please spare a few prayers today for two very special people. Our pastor's wife, Laura, has cancer and she is having surgery today to remove the tumor and surrounding lymph nodes that were affected. Laura is such an amazing woman and we just love her! She has kept such a positive attitude this whole time and has held tight to her faith. She is truly an inspiration to everyone! If you want to, you can check out her blog. Please pray that the surgeons are able to remove ALL the cancer, that there aren't any complications and that she has a great recovery and prognosis from the pathology reports. Please also pray for her husband and their three kids as this is a scary time for them as well.
I also ask that you please pray for my bosses' wife and mother, Jill. Jill was diagnosed with ovarian cancer this time last year and went through an extensive surgery and rigorous chemo treatment in order to fight the cancer. She has been doing really well up until last week. On Thursday she was admitted to the hospital because of severe abdominal pains that would not go away. I just found out this morning that her oncologist thinks it might be cancer again. Please pray for her and the family. She is still in the hospital and is undergoing more tests this week. They are like family to me and it breaks my heart that they potentially have to go down this scary road again.
Thanks to all of you! The power of prayer is amazing!!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Ebay is my new best friend!
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. There really hasn't been much going on this past week other than work. I haven't really felt all that good since I came off the hormones either. My new cycle last week was horrific (as the RE warned me it would be) and I've had a headache pretty much every day for the past two weeks. Some days it's minor and other days it's more severe. I feel like my body is revolting against me for what I put it through over the last two months. I've also been having really crazy dreams at night. When I wake up in the morning I am sooo exhausted. It feels like I never went to sleep. Ugh. Apparently there is no break from the effects of infertility and IVF. Oh well. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will all be worth it one day.
For those of you that have come across my blog through ICLW, Welcome! Here's a quick background. My husband and I have been TTC for almost a year now. We found out in April that we have some severe IF issues and were told that IVF w/ICSI was our only option. We had our first IVF procedure in July, but unfortunately it did not result in a pregnancy. We are now taking August off to allow my body to recoup and rest and then we'll start back up with ovarian suppression early to mid September and our second IVF cycle will be in October. Thanks for stopping by! I hope that my blog can help each of you in some way and that you'll stick around and follow our journey!
Now, as my title reads...Ebay is my new best friend!! I love, love, love ebay!! I have found some really awesome clothes on there lately and have gotten some great bargains! I love coming home, checking the mail and opening up my package. Now don't worry, as I promised Chris I don't bid on everything that I like. I have a strategy. I am also very strict about the prices I am willing to pay so if I'm outbid on something then so be it. That just means I wasn't meant to have that particular item. However, there is one item that I really, really wanted and I did splurge a little to get it. I still paid less than half of what it retails for so I still think I got a great bargain. It's a really cute Anthropologie dress and I can even wear it to work. I just got it in the mail yesterday and I love it! I'm planning on wearing it to church tomorrow so maybe I'll post a pic of it.
Well, that about sums it up for now. College football is right around the corner and we are sooo excited for that to start. That will be a great distraction for us this fall as we jump into IVF cycle #2. We are HUGE Texas Tech fans and can't wait to cheer on our Red Raiders!!
For those of you that have come across my blog through ICLW, Welcome! Here's a quick background. My husband and I have been TTC for almost a year now. We found out in April that we have some severe IF issues and were told that IVF w/ICSI was our only option. We had our first IVF procedure in July, but unfortunately it did not result in a pregnancy. We are now taking August off to allow my body to recoup and rest and then we'll start back up with ovarian suppression early to mid September and our second IVF cycle will be in October. Thanks for stopping by! I hope that my blog can help each of you in some way and that you'll stick around and follow our journey!
Now, as my title reads...Ebay is my new best friend!! I love, love, love ebay!! I have found some really awesome clothes on there lately and have gotten some great bargains! I love coming home, checking the mail and opening up my package. Now don't worry, as I promised Chris I don't bid on everything that I like. I have a strategy. I am also very strict about the prices I am willing to pay so if I'm outbid on something then so be it. That just means I wasn't meant to have that particular item. However, there is one item that I really, really wanted and I did splurge a little to get it. I still paid less than half of what it retails for so I still think I got a great bargain. It's a really cute Anthropologie dress and I can even wear it to work. I just got it in the mail yesterday and I love it! I'm planning on wearing it to church tomorrow so maybe I'll post a pic of it.
Well, that about sums it up for now. College football is right around the corner and we are sooo excited for that to start. That will be a great distraction for us this fall as we jump into IVF cycle #2. We are HUGE Texas Tech fans and can't wait to cheer on our Red Raiders!!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
IVF Cycle...Take 2
We had our follow up appointment with Dr. G today. Overall, I think it went pretty well. I started a new cycle yesterday so we will be taking this month off and then I will start the birth control in September with my new cycle. I'll be on those for about 2-3 weeks and then we'll start the injections. The protocol will be the same as last time. The only thing that Dr. G will change is the dosage of Follis.tim. He'll start me out at 450 instead of 300. Apparently, my ovaries are not as sensitive as they would have expected.
Dr. G obviously can't give us any guarantees but he did say that he feels confident that we'll get pregnant, it's just a matter of how many cycles it will take to get there. I wish the odds increased with each IVF cycle you have to endure, but it doesn't work that way. I also wish that there was a magic pill you could take to ensure that you won't have a miscarriage once you finally do get your miracle. I've read too many blogs over the last week or so where couples have struggled with infertility, have finally been blessed with their miracle, and then it all gets taken away in an instant. It's just not fair. Infertility robs couples of ever being able to let their guard down and completely enjoy the pregnancy.
My boss told me to try really hard not to invest too many emotions into any one phase of the IVF cycle. You have to be cautiously optimistic. I'm going to try to remember that for this next cycle. I'm also going to look into accupuncture this time around. I would have tried it last time but I didn't know that much about it and you're supposed to start having treatments at least a month in advance of your IVF cycle. We'll see how it goes!
Dr. G obviously can't give us any guarantees but he did say that he feels confident that we'll get pregnant, it's just a matter of how many cycles it will take to get there. I wish the odds increased with each IVF cycle you have to endure, but it doesn't work that way. I also wish that there was a magic pill you could take to ensure that you won't have a miscarriage once you finally do get your miracle. I've read too many blogs over the last week or so where couples have struggled with infertility, have finally been blessed with their miracle, and then it all gets taken away in an instant. It's just not fair. Infertility robs couples of ever being able to let their guard down and completely enjoy the pregnancy.
My boss told me to try really hard not to invest too many emotions into any one phase of the IVF cycle. You have to be cautiously optimistic. I'm going to try to remember that for this next cycle. I'm also going to look into accupuncture this time around. I would have tried it last time but I didn't know that much about it and you're supposed to start having treatments at least a month in advance of your IVF cycle. We'll see how it goes!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Moving on
I want to thank all of you for all the sweet comments. The last four days have not been easy but it really helps to know that you care and that you understand what we're going through right now. I'm hoping that this experience doesn't make me any more jaded than I already am, but I have a feeling that this might be inevitable. I'm trying really hard not to think about what I would have been doing this week if the news would have been different. I can't go back and change the results so I have to press on and deal with the reality of how things are, not what they could have been.
Dr. G left a nice voicemail for me this morning. He called to say how sorry he was to hear that the test was negative. He wants us to go back in to meet with him again to discuss things and determine what our next steps will be. We have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I'm making a running list of questions as they pop into my head. Chris and I had decided early on that we would do whatever it took to get pregnant. Since IVF is our only option we will definitely try another IVF cycle as long as Dr. G agrees that this is still a viable option for us.
I do already know that I'll have to take this cycle off to let my body rest and heal from the last IVF cycle. Thankfully, the progesterone did not delay my cycle too much and we are already on the road to a new cycle. The Dr. warned me that this cycle could be worse than normal and boy was he right. I have had a killer headache yesterday and today and it feels like somebody is trying to rip out my ovaries.
Thankfully, I have been able to indulge in a few things that I haven't been able to enjoy or have for the last couple of months. I had a coke on Friday for the first time in almost three months. I told Chris to order me the largest coke that Sonic sells on Friday morning. We stopped there on our way to the doctor's office for the blood test. Since we already knew what the results would be I decided that I deserved to have an extra large dose of caffeine that day. I also took a bubble bath last night. I haven't been able to take a bath since before my egg retrieval. I have also started reading a book that I bought at the beginning of the year but never got around to reading. I LOVE to read but lately I had been reading nothing but infertility books and books about IVF. I WILL NOT be reading any of those books this month. I decided that while my body is taking a break my mind should also take a break...at least as much as possible.
I know that this experience will only make us stronger and I am so grateful to have such a wonderful and supportive husband. This whole process has brought us even closer together and we truly have an awesome marriage. I know that this will be an important foundation for us to have once we do start our family. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I'm so lucky to have Chris to share it with!
Dr. G left a nice voicemail for me this morning. He called to say how sorry he was to hear that the test was negative. He wants us to go back in to meet with him again to discuss things and determine what our next steps will be. We have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I'm making a running list of questions as they pop into my head. Chris and I had decided early on that we would do whatever it took to get pregnant. Since IVF is our only option we will definitely try another IVF cycle as long as Dr. G agrees that this is still a viable option for us.
I do already know that I'll have to take this cycle off to let my body rest and heal from the last IVF cycle. Thankfully, the progesterone did not delay my cycle too much and we are already on the road to a new cycle. The Dr. warned me that this cycle could be worse than normal and boy was he right. I have had a killer headache yesterday and today and it feels like somebody is trying to rip out my ovaries.
Thankfully, I have been able to indulge in a few things that I haven't been able to enjoy or have for the last couple of months. I had a coke on Friday for the first time in almost three months. I told Chris to order me the largest coke that Sonic sells on Friday morning. We stopped there on our way to the doctor's office for the blood test. Since we already knew what the results would be I decided that I deserved to have an extra large dose of caffeine that day. I also took a bubble bath last night. I haven't been able to take a bath since before my egg retrieval. I have also started reading a book that I bought at the beginning of the year but never got around to reading. I LOVE to read but lately I had been reading nothing but infertility books and books about IVF. I WILL NOT be reading any of those books this month. I decided that while my body is taking a break my mind should also take a break...at least as much as possible.
I know that this experience will only make us stronger and I am so grateful to have such a wonderful and supportive husband. This whole process has brought us even closer together and we truly have an awesome marriage. I know that this will be an important foundation for us to have once we do start our family. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I'm so lucky to have Chris to share it with!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I need some super glue for my heart.
Where to begin? Thursday night was one of the hardest nights we've had to go through. We decided that we would go ahead and take a home pregnancy test that night because we didn't want to wake up Friday morning with a false sense of hope. We just wanted to know...even if it wasn't what we wanted to see. I took the test and we waited. I told Chris that he had to look because I was too nervous. I couldn't bare the thought of seeing another negative test. Chris went to look...it was negative. I immediately was hit with this wave of emotions. I felt disbelief, disappointment, sadness and just plain devestation. I went and crawled in our bed and stayed there the rest of the night. I ended up falling asleep laying in Chris' lap while I cried and he played with my hair (this is a comfort thing for me).
I woke up at about 5 am yesterday morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I was so angry. I just laid there in bed and cried, telling God how angry I was that He allowed our hearts to be broken once again. About 30 or so minutes later I woke Chris up and asked if I should take one more test just to be sure. We decided to take one last test, even though we knew what the result would be. I made him look again...negative. We got up, got dressed and made our way to the RE's office for our appointment. Chris was hoping that at least we could use some frozen embryos and have a faster turn around time. I wasn't holding out much hope that we had any frozen.
We get to the RE's office and they finally call us back to sit in the small waiting room while Dr. G finishes up seeing some patients. The nice nurse came over to ask if we had tested at home. We told her yes and when she asked the result with this hopeful smile on her face I lost it. We told her that both tests were negative and she said she was very sorry and that Dr. G would still want a blood test just to confirm. Great. As if we haven't seen enough negative results. Why not add more salt to the wound? Dr. G came to get us and we went back to his office to discuss the cycle. We told him about the negative tests, and of course he wanted the blood test to confirm. Then we got our second round of bad news. No frozen embryos. Of course there weren't. That would have meant that yesterday at least had a glimmer of hope.
Dr. G told us that if the blood test was negative then I would stop the hormones and wait for my body to start a new cycle. This can take up to three weeks because of the hormones I've been on. I'll have to take the next cycle off to allow my body to heal and rest. Then, when my September cycle starts I will go back in and he'll put me on the birth control pills again for a couple of weeks to suppress my ovaries again. We'll probably be looking at having the actual procedures for our second IVF cycle in early to mid October. It just all depends on how long it takes for this cycle to start and then again for the next one to start in September. I called the office as directed at 3:30 yesterday and was told that indeed the blood test was negative. BIG SURPRISE.
Thankfully, today is a better day. It will take some time for us to completely heal because we both feel a sense of loss right now. We had gotten attached to the two, little embryos that were transferred. We know that we are so fortunate to have insurance coverage that will allow us to try again. We know that there are so many couples out there who only have one shot at this because of the financial strain of IVF. As much as this hurts, I am still glad that there are those of you out there who had just one shot and got your miracle. I can't imagine the heartache of having a failed cycle and then knowing that was your only shot. I have a friend IRL who just found out this week that not only did this IVF cycle not work but now their doctor doesn't think that they'll ever get pregnant. I can't even imagine that heartache either. Yesterday was definitely a glass half empty day, but today I'm trying to have a glass half full day. We'll see how that goes!
Thank you again for all of your support, love and comments. We couldn't get through this without all of you. I hope that our journey will be an inspiration and source of hope for others out there. I hope that our faith will shine through us and show others that God is good, even when He lets bad things happen to us. We know that He has great plans for us and that this just wasn't the perfect time yet for our miracle. It doesn't make this hurt any less, though. It does, however, help to know that He's in control. Apparently He's still trying to teach me patience. I think I'm failing miserably at that lesson.
To my IVF blog friends~ Please know that I am truly happy for each of you that has gotten your miracle recently. You know how hard this journey is and you know the heartache that goes along with it all too well. Each and every one of you are very deserving of the blessings you've been given and I wish you all the best of luck with your pregnancies. I will, of course, continue to follow your blogs and further our friendships. You girls have been such a great support for me and I'm going to need you now more than ever. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. For those of you who are still waiting for your miracle, I'm right there with you. I didn't want to still be in this boat but I know I'm in great company.
I woke up at about 5 am yesterday morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I was so angry. I just laid there in bed and cried, telling God how angry I was that He allowed our hearts to be broken once again. About 30 or so minutes later I woke Chris up and asked if I should take one more test just to be sure. We decided to take one last test, even though we knew what the result would be. I made him look again...negative. We got up, got dressed and made our way to the RE's office for our appointment. Chris was hoping that at least we could use some frozen embryos and have a faster turn around time. I wasn't holding out much hope that we had any frozen.
We get to the RE's office and they finally call us back to sit in the small waiting room while Dr. G finishes up seeing some patients. The nice nurse came over to ask if we had tested at home. We told her yes and when she asked the result with this hopeful smile on her face I lost it. We told her that both tests were negative and she said she was very sorry and that Dr. G would still want a blood test just to confirm. Great. As if we haven't seen enough negative results. Why not add more salt to the wound? Dr. G came to get us and we went back to his office to discuss the cycle. We told him about the negative tests, and of course he wanted the blood test to confirm. Then we got our second round of bad news. No frozen embryos. Of course there weren't. That would have meant that yesterday at least had a glimmer of hope.
Dr. G told us that if the blood test was negative then I would stop the hormones and wait for my body to start a new cycle. This can take up to three weeks because of the hormones I've been on. I'll have to take the next cycle off to allow my body to heal and rest. Then, when my September cycle starts I will go back in and he'll put me on the birth control pills again for a couple of weeks to suppress my ovaries again. We'll probably be looking at having the actual procedures for our second IVF cycle in early to mid October. It just all depends on how long it takes for this cycle to start and then again for the next one to start in September. I called the office as directed at 3:30 yesterday and was told that indeed the blood test was negative. BIG SURPRISE.
Thankfully, today is a better day. It will take some time for us to completely heal because we both feel a sense of loss right now. We had gotten attached to the two, little embryos that were transferred. We know that we are so fortunate to have insurance coverage that will allow us to try again. We know that there are so many couples out there who only have one shot at this because of the financial strain of IVF. As much as this hurts, I am still glad that there are those of you out there who had just one shot and got your miracle. I can't imagine the heartache of having a failed cycle and then knowing that was your only shot. I have a friend IRL who just found out this week that not only did this IVF cycle not work but now their doctor doesn't think that they'll ever get pregnant. I can't even imagine that heartache either. Yesterday was definitely a glass half empty day, but today I'm trying to have a glass half full day. We'll see how that goes!
Thank you again for all of your support, love and comments. We couldn't get through this without all of you. I hope that our journey will be an inspiration and source of hope for others out there. I hope that our faith will shine through us and show others that God is good, even when He lets bad things happen to us. We know that He has great plans for us and that this just wasn't the perfect time yet for our miracle. It doesn't make this hurt any less, though. It does, however, help to know that He's in control. Apparently He's still trying to teach me patience. I think I'm failing miserably at that lesson.
To my IVF blog friends~ Please know that I am truly happy for each of you that has gotten your miracle recently. You know how hard this journey is and you know the heartache that goes along with it all too well. Each and every one of you are very deserving of the blessings you've been given and I wish you all the best of luck with your pregnancies. I will, of course, continue to follow your blogs and further our friendships. You girls have been such a great support for me and I'm going to need you now more than ever. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. For those of you who are still waiting for your miracle, I'm right there with you. I didn't want to still be in this boat but I know I'm in great company.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
AHHHHHH! That's all I have to say.
I think I am losing my mind. This TWW has been the hardest TWW EVER!!! There is so much more at stake this time. I'm sort of excited about tomorrow, but just more nervous than anything. There seems to be a big part of me that's trying to guard my heart and my emotions in case we get bad news tomorrow.
I still can't believe that tomorrow is almost here. Somehow I've managed to not POAS at all. This is not because I have great willpower, or because I'm patient, or because I'm a strong person. The truth is that I have been scared to death to see a negative test. This fear has kept me from caving. I knew that if I saw a negative test I would be devestated and there is no way I would have been able to go to work and function this week if that was the case. I also pinky promised my husband that I wouldn't cheat and test early. He knew what a negative test would do to me and I know that he was just trying to protect me from getting hurt.
Please pray for us tomorrow. I so hope that tomorrow will be an awesome day filled with celebration! If it's bad news tomorrow, please pray that I stay focused and that I remember that God has great plans for us and our family and that we cannot rush His timing. This is a hard lesson to learn, especially in the midst of hurt and sadness, but it's an important lesson.
Please know that I truly appreciate all the comments, prayers and support from all of you through this IVF cycle. If tomorrow is not a good day it may take me a few days before I feel like posting anything. If it's good news, please know that I will share with all of you, but that may take a little time as well. We will definitely want to share the news with our families first. For those of you that know us in real life, we ask that you please keep any news we share a secret for now. Believe me, we will want to shout any good news from the rooftops, but we also know that there are some critical appointments to get through before we'll be in the clear for a miscarriage. I hope you understand.
I want to say a special "Thank You" to all of my fellow IVF blog friends! You girls have been such a great support system for me over the last 4 months and I am so happy for all of you that have seen BFPs recently!!! I pray for each of you daily and I am so glad that God has been answering our prayers! I hope I get to join your IVF BFP club soon! If not, I know that you girls will help pick me up and dust me off. Hope to be back on here soon with exciting news!!
I still can't believe that tomorrow is almost here. Somehow I've managed to not POAS at all. This is not because I have great willpower, or because I'm patient, or because I'm a strong person. The truth is that I have been scared to death to see a negative test. This fear has kept me from caving. I knew that if I saw a negative test I would be devestated and there is no way I would have been able to go to work and function this week if that was the case. I also pinky promised my husband that I wouldn't cheat and test early. He knew what a negative test would do to me and I know that he was just trying to protect me from getting hurt.
Please pray for us tomorrow. I so hope that tomorrow will be an awesome day filled with celebration! If it's bad news tomorrow, please pray that I stay focused and that I remember that God has great plans for us and our family and that we cannot rush His timing. This is a hard lesson to learn, especially in the midst of hurt and sadness, but it's an important lesson.
Please know that I truly appreciate all the comments, prayers and support from all of you through this IVF cycle. If tomorrow is not a good day it may take me a few days before I feel like posting anything. If it's good news, please know that I will share with all of you, but that may take a little time as well. We will definitely want to share the news with our families first. For those of you that know us in real life, we ask that you please keep any news we share a secret for now. Believe me, we will want to shout any good news from the rooftops, but we also know that there are some critical appointments to get through before we'll be in the clear for a miscarriage. I hope you understand.
I want to say a special "Thank You" to all of my fellow IVF blog friends! You girls have been such a great support system for me over the last 4 months and I am so happy for all of you that have seen BFPs recently!!! I pray for each of you daily and I am so glad that God has been answering our prayers! I hope I get to join your IVF BFP club soon! If not, I know that you girls will help pick me up and dust me off. Hope to be back on here soon with exciting news!!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Yay for another blog award!
Thank you to Kelli over at Life, Love & TTC Mysteries for my sweet blog award! It has been such a rollercoaster of emotions this past week and weekend, so thank you so much for the much needed pick-me-up!
The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
Here is the list of newly discovered blogs that I am tagging for this lovely award!
2. But a Moment
12.Hope Endures
On another note, we only have 5 more days to wait until our beta test. I'm so nervous. Everytime I think about Friday I get a clinching, nervous feeling inside me. I'm so ready to know, but at the same time so scared to get bad news. This is going to be an interesting week.
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