I need some super glue for my heart.

Where to begin? Thursday night was one of the hardest nights we've had to go through. We decided that we would go ahead and take a home pregnancy test that night because we didn't want to wake up Friday morning with a false sense of hope. We just wanted to know...even if it wasn't what we wanted to see. I took the test and we waited. I told Chris that he had to look because I was too nervous. I couldn't bare the thought of seeing another negative test. Chris went to look...it was negative. I immediately was hit with this wave of emotions. I felt disbelief, disappointment, sadness and just plain devestation. I went and crawled in our bed and stayed there the rest of the night. I ended up falling asleep laying in Chris' lap while I cried and he played with my hair (this is a comfort thing for me).

I woke up at about 5 am yesterday morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I was so angry. I just laid there in bed and cried, telling God how angry I was that He allowed our hearts to be broken once again. About 30 or so minutes later I woke Chris up and asked if I should take one more test just to be sure. We decided to take one last test, even though we knew what the result would be. I made him look again...negative. We got up, got dressed and made our way to the RE's office for our appointment. Chris was hoping that at least we could use some frozen embryos and have a faster turn around time. I wasn't holding out much hope that we had any frozen.

We get to the RE's office and they finally call us back to sit in the small waiting room while Dr. G finishes up seeing some patients. The nice nurse came over to ask if we had tested at home. We told her yes and when she asked the result with this hopeful smile on her face I lost it. We told her that both tests were negative and she said she was very sorry and that Dr. G would still want a blood test just to confirm. Great. As if we haven't seen enough negative results. Why not add more salt to the wound? Dr. G came to get us and we went back to his office to discuss the cycle. We told him about the negative tests, and of course he wanted the blood test to confirm. Then we got our second round of bad news. No frozen embryos. Of course there weren't. That would have meant that yesterday at least had a glimmer of hope.

Dr. G told us that if the blood test was negative then I would stop the hormones and wait for my body to start a new cycle. This can take up to three weeks because of the hormones I've been on. I'll have to take the next cycle off to allow my body to heal and rest. Then, when my September cycle starts I will go back in and he'll put me on the birth control pills again for a couple of weeks to suppress my ovaries again. We'll probably be looking at having the actual procedures for our second IVF cycle in early to mid October. It just all depends on how long it takes for this cycle to start and then again for the next one to start in September. I called the office as directed at 3:30 yesterday and was told that indeed the blood test was negative. BIG SURPRISE.

Thankfully, today is a better day. It will take some time for us to completely heal because we both feel a sense of loss right now. We had gotten attached to the two, little embryos that were transferred. We know that we are so fortunate to have insurance coverage that will allow us to try again. We know that there are so many couples out there who only have one shot at this because of the financial strain of IVF. As much as this hurts, I am still glad that there are those of you out there who had just one shot and got your miracle. I can't imagine the heartache of having a failed cycle and then knowing that was your only shot. I have a friend IRL who just found out this week that not only did this IVF cycle not work but now their doctor doesn't think that they'll ever get pregnant. I can't even imagine that heartache either. Yesterday was definitely a glass half empty day, but today I'm trying to have a glass half full day. We'll see how that goes!

Thank you again for all of your support, love and comments. We couldn't get through this without all of you. I hope that our journey will be an inspiration and source of hope for others out there. I hope that our faith will shine through us and show others that God is good, even when He lets bad things happen to us. We know that He has great plans for us and that this just wasn't the perfect time yet for our miracle. It doesn't make this hurt any less, though. It does, however, help to know that He's in control. Apparently He's still trying to teach me patience. I think I'm failing miserably at that lesson.

To my IVF blog friends~ Please know that I am truly happy for each of you that has gotten your miracle recently. You know how hard this journey is and you know the heartache that goes along with it all too well. Each and every one of you are very deserving of the blessings you've been given and I wish you all the best of luck with your pregnancies. I will, of course, continue to follow your blogs and further our friendships. You girls have been such a great support for me and I'm going to need you now more than ever. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. For those of you who are still waiting for your miracle, I'm right there with you. I didn't want to still be in this boat but I know I'm in great company.